Do-Gooders and Toxic Family Members

Its been awhile since I posted something new. Not because I’ve been busy on some big adventure. I’ve been going through all my things, boxing them up, and figuring out what to throw away. So, why not immediately drop back into the blogging sphere by posting a short rant.

One pet peeve of mine is getting advice from people that don’t know what’s going on in your life or why you are doing something. Or the people that tell you that you’re making a bad decision just because they don’t feel it’s the “right” thing to do. Excuse me? Have you lived my life and the experiences in it to know why I am doing something? What was that? NO? Ohhh….ok….so why are you giving me advice then?

I think everyone knows what is best for them, in the long run, than someone that hasn’t lived out your life and life experiences. Don’t get me wrong it is great to get advice from people when you want it. It’s nice having someone help you make a decision when you want it. When you’ve already made the decision and you know it’s the best thing for you though, that’s when the do-gooders can back off.

You’re probably wondering why I just went on a short rant. Its because I recently made a decision to remove a toxic family member from my life. Then BOOM out of the woodworks come all of the do-gooders. The ones that want to give you advice and who don’t know _____ (insert a 4 word expletive that starts with s and ends with t)

The toxic person I removed from my life is my father. It’s been an on again off again relationship basically since 8th grade. I would remove him from my life, move out, and go live with my mom. Then I would start getting soft and let him back in because I thought he had “changed”. This continued with the same toxic relationship until I was 18 and moved away from college. We then had a cordial relationship until I was around 22.

At 22 I went on the first ever “family” vacation with him and my half-brother. We actually had a good time and got along throughout the entire trip. I thought wow we’ve managed to get along for an entire year…maybe he has changed. Let me finish and then you’ll see.

It was about a little over a year later and I was moving from Carbondale to Champaign because of a job. I couldn’t move into my apartment right away so I had to find some where to stay. My boyfriend and I asked my dad if we could stay with him until the apartment was ready. He said we could and we moved my things into his spare room and started staying there. Right now you’re probably thinking wow he doesn’t sound like a bad guy. Well, that’s because I never mentioned any of the craziness he put me through in high school.

Anyways….we made it about 2 weeks staying with him. We went grocery shopping for him, cleaned the house, and cooked home made meals. More home made meals than my half-brother had probably ever had at my father’s house. Then my father started accusing us of stealing things from him. Mind you everything he said we were stealing was in a safe that was as tall as me and neither of us knew the code to. He said that my boyfriend had seen the code and broken into it. I’m not even going to say what he was accusing us of stealing because it’s absolutely ridiculous.

He also got angry because my half-brother, who was 15, cried because we were messing around with him and duct-taped his arms on top of his head. We were playing around and the half-brother had put tape in my hair and some on my boyfriends legs and pulled it off. Well, good ole’ dad flipped out and screamed/yelled in our faces threatening us and saying we were bullying my half-brother. Then he left slamming the door and peeling out in the drive. I helped my half-brother get the tape off and we all left and went on a walk.

It just got worse from there. He kept saying all kinds of things to us and saying we were stealing from him. Well, I finally got sick of not saying anything and told him we weren’t stealing anything from him and didn’t need to. He went completely crazy and ran outside slammed the door then walked up to the window flipping us off screaming fuck you as we were sitting inside.

As soon as he left we went into the room we were staying in and started packing up our stuff. We put everything we would need for 2 weeks, that’s how long we had until our apartment was ready, into my car and left. We ended up staying on my friends couch for an entire two weeks. It wasn’t the best situation but, it was the easiest place to stay.

When our apartment was ready I texted my dad telling him that we would be over to get the rest of my things. This included my bed, couch, kitchen utensils, all my work clothes, etc. When I called he told me I wasn’t allowed to get any of my stuff unless I paid him $1,000. I ended up calling the cops to go over and help me get my things. When the cop got there my father was belligerent to him and yelling/screaming outside.

The cop ended up telling me that he couldn’t get my stuff from my dad. So, there I am supposed to be moving into my new apartment and almost every possession I own is at my dads and he won’t let me get anything. I don’t know why the cop couldn’t get my stuff but I can tell you it was bullshit. My dad ended up writing out some piece of paper saying I owed him all this money and I had to sign and get it notarized before I was allowed to get my things.

It was probably a week or more later when I was finally able to get everything out of his house. I stopped talking to him, I moved into my new apartment, and I started my new job. Then I started getting texts from him and phone calls saying how he was sorry and asking how everything was going. I avoided the conversations as much as possible and told him the bare minimum and that’s when he went psycho again.

He told me I never would have become a teacher if it wasn’t for him, said I wouldn’t have went to college if it wasn’t for him, said I needed mental help, called me a whore and a thief, and so many other things that I can’t even begin to remember. That’s when I decided he would never change.

I spent over 10 years of my life dealing with him doing drugs, being an alcoholic, mentally/emotionally abusing me, physically abusing me in high school, harassing me, talking crap about my mom, and doing everything a father shouldn’t. I gave him so many chances to be a good father and he ruined every single one. I’m done. I’m 24 and I told my father never to contact me again. I blocked his number and refuse to talk to anyone in my family that will let him call me from their phone.

People can say what they want about your life and give you advice but, you’re the only one who knows what is best for you.

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4 thoughts on “Do-Gooders and Toxic Family Members

  1. My heart goes out to you, Ciara! I’ve never been through anything like what you’ve experienced, but it sounds like you’re doing the most rational thing possible. Sometimes we have to set boundaries with people, and if people violate those boundaries, we have to be willing to walk away. Maybe you and your dad will have a positive relationship again some day. Maybe not. But in the mean time, you have a life to live and nobody should ever have to live with abuse.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ((Hugs)) I have a toxic parent as well not to your Fathers degree but difficult none the less. In fact that is the reason I live 5 states away from my family :-/ It isn’t easy to cut them off but sometimes you have to do it for your own well being ❤ Follow your heart and trust your instincts ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I keep my biological father at arms length, he is a deadbeat and even though we recently “reconnected” after 10 years I am still iffy about him. I have an aunt who is always shoving things down my throat regarding college and what I should do. Toxic people are the worst, I wish you the best of luck!

    Liked by 1 person

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